Thursday, May 31, 2007
Word of God, speak.
"Where then are the gods you made for youselves? Let them come if they can save you when you are in trouble! For you have as many gods as you have towns O Judah." - Jeremiah 2:28
i was in the shower and just thinking hmm what if God planted a verse in my heart? that would be cool. so then this verse popped up from nowhere. maybe i entered an open search in my brain's processor and got this. like words typed out, the book, chapter, and verse came to mind in that order. maybe it was my mind making stuff up. i decided to check it out just to "test test". jeremiah 2 might not even have 28 verses! haha, hmm an imaginary verse. anyway, by golly, what a strong message. for a time such as this. what a strong strong strong message.
how many gods have i placed before my God, the one, true Creator of me? the answer is probably plenty.... minus "probably". it doesn't matter if my subconscious came up with that or it was the Holy Spirit, this is a message that hits home and has to be heeded for fruits to be borne. and eh hemm, O Judah?? is that God punning? i don't know, but somehow, i've got a feeling. exams hit home in exactly 9 days. WHERE then, are the things i have deemed oh so important? will they rescue me from the quagmire? or will they help me sink deeper? will i conquer? or will i be conquered? what am i conquering for? who am i conquering for? will I return to the arms that strip away all fear and provide security, calm and peace finally? there's something at stake here maybe, for once. something i've placed value on. though the efforts have lacked conviction, the desired end result has never changed. i still want it. what does God want for me? hmmm i don't know. yet. i go to bed. i'm new to the concept of sticking to study timetables.
paN!cker lost it at 11:16 pm
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
we'll never figure them out
hurray for breakthrough in stats module 4! the key to unlocking the mystery was granted to me tonight. that's after like what, 2 weeks of senseless bashing. i still don't really fully understand the concepts behind the way things work but at least i -know- how things work now. great! so the past two weeks trying to break through this stuff which isn't even examinable just has to make me glad! ok so now down to the gritting of teeth and sharpening of disciplinary muscles. type I, type II, type IIa muscles all need to be innervated for this final dash to the finish. may my sarcomeres withstand the load that needs to be carried for this final hurdle. by God's grace. g'nights fellow martians.
The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. Ps 145:14
paN!cker lost it at 12:19 am
Friday, May 25, 2007
but, there's tomorrow tomorrow
the false security of a safety net lies in the morrow. that morrow will run out come the 9th of june, when my exams start. i've wasted a week doing minimal work and that just doesn't cut it. old habits die hard, so hard. when the going gets tough the tough get going. i don't think i'm tough in that respect. and that's a secular view anyway. i've been slackin all my life, and it takes something supernatural to get me out of the rut. if anytime was a good time to show Your awesomeness oh God, now is the time. if i make it out of here alive, all all all glory to You alone. i don't really know how else it can work. i remember quite vividly the last time i put some semblance of effort into studying (or rather reading through my books and doing slightly consistent work) was in primary school. can anyone say hurray for that?
there's NO TOMORROW. today's the day and now, really, is the time to shine. nowhere to turn and nowhere else to look for respite except up, up at the face of the One i've chucked one corner and tried living without. no flowery words, no poetic gibberish will replace the work i gotta do to bring praise to His name, and to perhaps, in a way instill that confidence that God has blessed me with more than enough to conquer.
God really showed Himself to be true. i was on this assignment which needed just a simple stats test for significance, and knowing a grand total of zilch in stats (yes i took stats in poly and graduated with mean/median/mode competence), it took a friend of a friend to help me. i had no idea really the technical details of the table he conjured up for me, or the stuff he told me about how to explain it, but i included all that and some smoke in the report, all in the sum total of one WHOLE NIGHT of slogging. i was thinking, 'yep that's it, i don't know how i'll do. i hope they'll get smoked by my smokescreen. i hope their stats suck and think i have god-like stats skillz0rs'.
then i got back the paper on wednesday, during lab while we were doing our reaction test on the computers. my assignment partner, Mr. Slacker, was free to receive the assignment since he had finished the test while i was busy trying to get below 200 ms reaction time in response to stimuli. God be praised indeed, for the moment he set eyes on the paper he was literally delirious with joy and thumping me on the back and all, obviously with some level of positivity (that by the way, did not help my reaction time much). i was happy too, it was a sort of 'yeah i did well, whew thank God, but man this guy's really happy!'. i took a glance at the paper but i couldnt see what we got, so i went back to my screen and once the test was over i looked proper and by golly, 14.5 / 15! that's a perfect assignment! i was stunned beyond words, and he was still congratulating me and expressing his speechlessness in many words. i can only thank God for encouraging me greatly with that assignment, because really it's been a shitey time tryna get my life in order for the exam run-in. it's always like that innit, on fire and all at the start then you just die down (at the wrong time) at the end. now that He has proven Himself true, it's time for me to show some commitment by putting Him back at the throne of my life. really eaasssssy to say, and type. it doesn't cost me anything. we'll see how it goes. i prolly won't post anything more till after the papers, and focus is key. God really is key. will i emerge triumphant over myself? stay tuned to find out all this and more, at a much later time, but same place, at any computer with internet near you. God be praised indeed, in a time such as this, when i've lost myself looking for myself.
love you folks.
paN!cker lost it at 11:30 pm
Monday, May 14, 2007
distended
today, i endtroduce zombina & the skeletones to you. they're a horror punk group from liverpool, england, formed in 1999. horror punk bands usually tell tales through their lyrics, which are often related to horror films, black humour, and horror stories or novels.
for now, i live (note the term "for now"). i survived yet another self-inflicted horrorsome night of horrorsome assignmenting, and there's really been nuff said on the topic. just gotta press in for econference, get some quality questions and answers in, ace next monday's presentation and i'm good to go. pfft, so much for professional responses. come off it already!
kelvin mok's wedding was really sweet and fairytale-like, and reminded me of a garden wedding. the church had this woody feel, and it was perfect! it sure was perfect for him anyway haha! so many pictures, so little time.
 
paN!cker lost it at 9:28 pm
Friday, May 11, 2007
sometimes
i'm just sucha twerp. God, will i ever learn?!
If you are helpless in life’s fray,
God’s mighty power will be your stay;
Your failing strength He can renew,
For He’s a God who cares for you. —D. De Haan
paN!cker lost it at 10:11 am
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
i must be crazy
it's 12am, and i need words. words to express what i know, in scientific academic writing. words to secure the marks i yearn for. perhaps i have a slight sadistic streak in me that cannot help thriving on last minute work. there's these sporadic adrenaline rushes as you work through the night, energised beyond uhm, normal levels for the time of night anyway, whilst at other times you're just wasted totally, physically, and you wish it would end.
at this point, i yearn for the sound of the piano playing above me back home, the shouts of the children playing in the pool below, and just the general sound of life in my cube in the sky, amidst a congestion of many other similar cubes. the sound of people. the sound of individual units of life. this yearning is filled with a warm yellow light that illuminates my living room as i recline on the sofa, enjoying the, uh, well ok not sea breeze, just breeze, that flows in, refreshing me. i'm not really homesick; strangely, i haven't shed a tear since coming over. but yes i do miss home. i miss percie especially now, after receiving news from mum that management called in people to come take away the strays after complaints from residents?! i hope percie's safe somewhere, and that he'd pop up sometime soon at our block again ...... or maybe not, for his own sake.
now that that's that, i'm content to continue finding the right words to piece together the remaining pieces of an intricate jigsaw, sipping on a cup of two sachets of this herbal tea that my aunt gave me. hey, at least i have my warm yellow light.
in the player: new order - hey now what you doing
paN!cker lost it at 9:53 pm
Monday, May 07, 2007
the great divide
eons ago, at least that's how it feels now, sjsm had a church team in the adonai football league. i even started a blog on it here. well, ok, sjsm still has a team, but i've heard stories about how it's weaker this season. anyway, we were total noobs (hmm ok maybe we still are, JUST maybe), but somehow we had a team together for the league's second season. i was just checking things out and i JUST found out that one of the teams, salem fire, is as professional a team as amateur teams get. prolly several other teams are too. you will quickly realise that from reading their blog, they have soccer trainings, player transfers, complete with blog updates typed in third person! one notch up and they'd prolly feature on soccernet. they actually function as any normal club would, trialing would-be players before entry to the team is secured. many of their players have had experience with s-league clubs, or at the very least experience with soccer at school team level. i can't help but feel a sense of inJ. i thought players with professional footballing experience weren't allowed in the competition. anyhow, that sense of inJ is just a slight one. most of the time was just spent marvelling at just how professional their team is. they've got a new coach, regular training sessions, highly skilled players, and astonishingly, contracts. that's right, their players sign contracts with the team to signal commitment. like whuuutisthatallabout.
compare that with our sjsm team, formed rather last minute with friends and friends of friends coming in. being mostly chinese, we suck at skill and ball control to begin with. last season we did have some good players though, but apart from some individual experience, we were greenhorns as a team and in general field soccer. one thing that's good in a way is that there's plenty malays/indians in their team so it's a good way to witness to them, even if the team ranks performance highly as criteria to join. it's interesting to sit here and compare and wonder how we managed to even be in the same league! thankfully (unfortunately for them), we didn't get to play them because half the weekends we were supposed to play it was raining and many matches were postponed. after some point, the remaining matches were called off due to exams. the gulf in quality has never been felt greater, sitting here typing. i've played against pro players before (typically malay and indian) and you just imagine a whole team populated with those people and you shake your head. they've got players FITTED into every position, which is so laughably unlike any field team i've played with. we've always had problems counting 11, problems with players playing out of their natural position, while teams like salem fire literally have no chinks in their armour vs amateurs. wow, amazing.
i think about the moderate success we have in our lil church derby games and yes i would say my game has been raised some as i play more matches and gain experience, but there will always be that big difference between casual players and CASUAL (non-pro) players who've literally had soccer training their whole life in various school or recreational teams. in a way i regret (technically i can't regret, i could do nothing about it) not playing in some sort of school team when i was younger.
fairfield primary never had a soccer team, despite us putting our votes in EVERY YEAR for a soccer team. fairfield secondary did however, and i almost certainly would have joined had i stayed on, but alas, i went to victoria, king of the x-country road and certainly slighty better than your average school soccer team. over there, it was impossible. i'm a late bloomer, and trying to compete with people like 2o31757 times your size/height just wasn't going to cut it. i should have joined x-country when one of the pe teachers suggested though, that's prolly the one thing i could have done which i had control over. sometimes you wish you could turn back time and actually use the God-given time you had fruitfully instead of frittering it all away on senseless CS sessions (though, erm, those were precious too haha) and just, idling. needless to say, it's almost impossible to get into poly teams, unless you're at some sort of standard already, so no-go there.
well, regardless, God has been great and playing regularly on superb pitches doesn't seem so distant a notion anymore. the feeling of just being there is awesome, and playing good soccer with limited skills is indescribable. if i manage to do better with my time next semester, joining UQ soccer might even be an option (they have like 9 teams, i'm not that pro duh), but that would require tonnes of growth with regards to time management. some level of maturity is needed for that as well, and it's gotta start now! the ball has started rolling but ... it's a heavy ball and it's not moving too fast yet.
there ain't time for regrets. so what if i'll never represent singapore, get to do step-overs past rio ferdinand, or send van der sar the wrong way? i'll still play soccer, the only way i know how, with heart and passion, and i suspect, in defence. thank God for keeping me relatively injury-free all my life as well! good genes from parents must have a bit to do with it as well as His protection. soccer is not exactly a violent sport but incidences do pop up and after keeping it real for more than 10 years of soccer and crunching tackles, it's all good. my injury proneness in CM would be like, 1 or something. do note however, whoever is reading this, that this is by no means a rallying cry for all ye brutal brutes out there to come at me with two-footed lunges and stuff like that. i will keeeel you! until yoo die! right.
it's about time to look life in the eye, keep the chin up, face to the wind, and take back the years lost. thank you Lord, for renewing my mind. i'm hungry.
paN!cker lost it at 10:35 pm
Sunday, May 06, 2007
daft punk
is the collective name of the electronic house movement duo guy-manuel de homem-christo and thomas bangaltar. electronic music is a term for music created using electronic devices (.. duh)
yesterday was a good day. i spent the day in the library trying hard to work with me partner on the flu assignment, but there was so much information i kinda got overwhelmed not knowing what to put in. i shall attempt to reorg and make another attempt at conquering the write-up tomorrow.
and then judah league was on! i call it league now because of the frequency that we play together now. it was really fun, partly because we won 3-2 with the last kick of the game whooopy (not a full game though), and partly because that was personally the best game i've been in so far! my aim is to concede 0 goals one day, but we cannot be making any silly mistakes like we amateurs love to do. we conceded one purely out of a mistake, and the other was just a brilliant shot, even though yes he was kinda left open at the edge of the penalty area to shoot, but it wasn't any glaring error or woteva so in essence we let in one sloppy goal. our team didn't really get our act together, i thought we weren't fighting hard enough for the ball, but we had a GOOD AMOUNT of chances and some were easy (which we failed to convert) and some were hard (which we managed to score spectacularly). anyhow we were definitely helped along by their centreback kelvin who headed the ball past his own keeper under pressure from chris (not me but another chris, i can't play centreback and strike at the same time sorry) when we were 0-2 down so at 1-2, we could feel the comeback, and we made it a man u comeback against milan like the first leg. kelvin mok hit our post whew that was so close. unlucky dude, his last match as a bachelor and no goal to mark it. chris again on the move as his pressure on their leftback resulted in him nicking in to get a dig at the ball from the right which lobbed just over the keeper, sweeeet. we were in a rush for the game to end because of spiderman 3, and with the last attack of the game, toby sent the home fans screaming (ok ok i exaggerate no fans there) when a deflection reached him on the right in the penalty box and a similar shot ended up in the net. 3-2, and with that, it makes it 2 wins a team after 4 matches in total between the two sides. only two teams in the league at the moment haha so i guess at worst you just finish in 2nd spot. not too bad, still got champions league slot.
anyway attending membership class has opened up my eyes somewhat to the mission of the church, and attending muster today re-emphasised this. i've been somewhat distant i guess, in heart, from diving full in to the church, maybe because i don't know how it works out exactly, about committing whole-heartedly to this church and then what happens with sjsm back home and stuff. well the message today really reminded everyone that each one has plenty of gifts and abilities from God to contribute. everyone is indeed a small tiny part of the entire body of Christ, and we all have a role to play. i guess that cleared up doubts about boldness in giving in tithe to the church, supporting it in any ways i can, and just sharing the vision of the church to build unidus and see the community centre pave the way to outreach and care for the people in i-dont-know-i-forgot-which-suburb. i see now that no matter where i am, i settle down in a local church, and start playing the role of a normal vibrant living cell inside a vibrant healthy living body. wherever i go, i play that role, and support the efforts of the family of Christ, because after all, regardless of geographic location, we are just all small parts of the entire body, each church a small organ that functions to keep the body alive. the usual challenges that accompany an international student follow in tow i guess, whether to return to singapore during the winter/summer breaks or stay if God challenges me to, possibly for missions, and even how to contribute to areas like missions if not (going home for missions sounds an idea), since schooldays are meant for ...... school, and non-school days are meant for ......... flying home, if you get my antigenic drift, oh no ignore me. nonetheless, the moral of today's story is, KNOW YOUR ROLE, and play it. i'm so tired and sleepy. i shall shower change and hit the sack, really hard.
paN!cker lost it at 7:18 pm
Thursday, May 03, 2007
flight lies
tonight was impromptu fried rice. first attempt. it turned out pretty decent, unlike manchester united's dismal excuse for a performance in milan. didn't really know what really gives pro fried rice the wok hei so i just put sweet dark and dark sauce in, but not too much. salt and pepper definitely helped the flavour go in the right direction though. i'm happy with it!
ahhhh yes, what better topic to discuss after all that tantalizing food? this dude has been frequently found to be inhabiting the corner of our driveway. it was brought to my attention when marcus mentioned that joel mentioned to him that whenever he came home at night and wanted to park, his lights would always be picking up kermit (for lack of a better frog name) in the corner, just taking time out to mull over the happenings of his day. haven't seen him recently though. then again, haven't really been looking out for him. he's just so contemplative, sitting there, hunched back and all, eyes reflecting my camera's flash. he reminds me of the frog legs we strip down and do experiments with in lab. thank goodness it's not the other way around. that would be alarming to me.
my other neighbours include, unfortunately, a gigantic spider the size of your palm when stretched out, legs and all. can you spot him? for convenience's sake, let's name him wally. can you find wally? he has set up shop in what should be, if i'm not mistaken, a jungle garden in the middle of our apartment complex. he has spun his huge web of deceit between the wall and some of the greenery, and catches miscellaneous unsuspecting pieces of protein daily. let us hope he grows no larger than this.
today's band are the guns n roses, an american hard rock band. according to wiki, hard rock is a variation of rock and roll music which has its earliest roots in early-1960s psychedelic rock. it is typified by heavy use of distorted electric guitars, bass guitar, and drums. the term "hard rock" is often used as an umbrella term for genres such as punk and grunge to distinguish them from the more radio-friendly pop rock genre.
paN!cker lost it at 6:14 pm
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